


To the Last Beat of my Heart

by NeverBeenSane



Category: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Heartbeats, M/M, Mostly Fluff, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Steve gets emotional, Tumblr Prompt, fluff and a bit of angst, sorta ambiguous ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-26
Updated: 2014-06-26
Packaged: 2018-02-06 08:37:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1851601
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeverBeenSane/pseuds/NeverBeenSane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternatively known as: The five times Steve Rogers notices/gets emotional over/loses his shit entirely over Bucky's heartbeat.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To the Last Beat of my Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this](http://forthediehards.tumblr.com/post/84229626458/also-someone-please-please-write-me-steve-bucky) tumblr post. I don't think it's exactly what forthediehards wanted but it was my best attempt and I had fun writing it. Even though one of the parts got lost when my computer decided to randomly shut down before I managed to save my progress and I had to completely re-write one of the sections. I like the angsty re-write version more than the smutty original one so I'm not sure if that was a bad thing.
> 
> As always, any mistakes are mine and mine alone since I don't have a beta.

The events leading up to Steve taking note of Bucky's heartbeat for the first time were, all things considered, fairly unsurprising and rather mundane. One of the worst blizzards in Brooklyn's immediate history was raging outside of their small and dingy apartment, their building had lost central heating for the time being due to the storm, and Steve had what was probably one of the top five worst chest colds in his life (which was now likely bronchitis by this point if he was being completely honest with himself). Steve was curled up under a mound of blankets on his bed, trying valiantly to not hack up a lung or accidentally crack a rib whenever he coughed. He didn't know exactly where Bucky had gotten said blankets but he had a feeling that most of them came from Mrs. Garvey from down the hall, Mrs. Loney from the floor below them, and O'Keeffe siblings from across the hall.

Braving the chill of the apartment, Steve peeked out from underneath the pile of blankets to look into the living area and see what Bucky was doing. His best friend stood at the stove, presumably prepping the mug of thyme-and-honey-tea that Mrs. Garvey, a registered nurse, had suggested to help alleviate Steve's chest cold in lieu of actual medication. Glancing back at him, Bucky smiled tiredly and said, "Glad to see you're awake, Punk. I was beginning to wonder if you dropped dead on me."

"Nah. Not yet." Steve murmured, mentally preparing himself to sit up as Bucky poured the tea into a chipped mug and started towards their shared bedroom. He didn't want to leave the warmth of his cocoon of blankets but he knew that he had to drink that tea before it grew cold or it wouldn't help as much. Groaning softly, Steve pushed himself up as slowly as he could so that he didn't trigger a coughing fit.

Bucky waited until he was sure that Steve wasn't going to have another fit before he handed the mug off to Steve and slipped into the cocoon of blankets beside his best friend. He had gotten used to sharing Steve's bed with him during the winter months when their heat either got shut off or went out; depending upon the weather and the flow of cash Bucky was able to maintain. Shifting so he was lying on his back, Bucky chuckled softly as Steve tried to gulp down the hot tea as quickly as he could. Gently nudging his friend's side to get his attention, Bucky quirked a brow at Steve when he turned to look at him and said, "Slow down, Punk. Don't want to hurt yourself even more."

Rolling his eyes, Steve grunted softly in response but still heeded Bucky's warning. After a few minutes of calmly sipping the tea, he gulped down the last few lukewarm dregs and handed the empty mug to Bucky before he burrowed back under the blankets. Just sitting up for those few minutes had chilled him to the point where it was uncomfortable to breathe and he wondered if it would cause another coughing fit that rattled his body to its core and made him achy all over.

Shaking his head, Bucky smiled fondly and suppressed an affectionate chuckle as he set the mug on the floor to deal with in the morning while Steve shifted around to get comfortable. Bucky knew that Steve would complain in the morning about leaving dishes out but he didn't want to venture back out into the freezing cold apartment and risk losing even more body heat than he already had. Tucking his hands behind his head, he watched his best friend cautiously as he squirmed around and tried to find the most comfortable position. Usually, when they had to sleep like this, Steve would curl up on his side with his back pressed against Bucky's chest and have Bucky wrap his arms around him while their legs tangled together.

Tonight, instead of curling up with his back to Bucky, Steve rested his head against Bucky's chest and sprawled out on top of the bigger man with their legs tangling together and his arms tucked in close to Bucky's sides. He didn't usually like this much contact with his friend because it made him start to feel things that he'd rather not examine at this point in time; or ever. He peeked up at Bucky through his eyelashes to see if his friend would say anything but the other man merely wrapped an arm around Steve's slender shoulders and kept the other tucked behind his head.

Bucky didn't say anything about the deviation concerning their sleeping positions; partially because he figured that Steve knew what position was most comfortable for him and partially because, deep down, he wished that this wasn't something that only happened whenever it was freezing and their heat was out. Sighing contentedly and letting his eyes slip shut, Bucky started rubbing lazy circles across Steve's back; more out of instinct than any conscious though process. He let his mind wander aimlessly as Steve huffed softly and clung to him a little tighter. Without really realizing it, he started to softly hum a song he'd heard earlier that day drifting out of a diner on his way home.

It took a conscious effort on Steve's part to stop himself from nuzzling Bucky's chest when the other man started slowly rubbing his back. It wasn't something that Bucky had done before for him but Steve remembered his mom doing it on occasion whenever he had trouble sleeping or breathing; especially when he was younger. Sighing blissfully, Steve let his eyes fall shut and allowed himself to enjoy the feeling of being enveloped in a warm embrace by someone he cared about and that so obviously cared about him as well. For a brief moment, he allowed himself to pretend that Bucky cared for him the same way he did the dames he went out with. After a few minutes of listening to Bucky hum softly, his friend dropped off to sleep and Steve unconsciously noted that he could hear Bucky's heartbeat. Smiling tiredly, Steve finally allowed himself to fully bask in the warmth of his best friend's embrace and be lulled to sleep by the steady cadence of Bucky's heart.

 ~~~

Steve sighed softly and allowed his forehead to rest against the window beside his bed. He'd finally been accepted into the army, thanks to Dr. Erskine, and he couldn't even tell his best friend. Not that Bucky would be happy for him anyway. His chest tightened painfully at the thought of Bucky, not only because he knew that his friend didn't understand why he ~~wanted~~ needed to join up but because said friend was still out; most likely still dancing with those two dames. Sighing softly, Steve rubbed his eye and wondered, not for the first time, how he let himself fall in love with his best friend. His very straight best friend. At the sound of the front door opening, Steve looked back out of the window and promised himself that he wouldn't make things awkward between himself and Bucky on his last night in Brooklyn.

Bucky shuffled into the bedroom and almost immediately started stripping down to his boxers and undershirt; hanging his uniform up as he peeled each layer off since he'd have to wear it to ship out tomorrow. Glancing over at Steve as he set his alarm clock, he smirked playfully and said, "I thought you were gonna catch up with us."

Steve snorted softly and said, "Didn't feel much like dancing."

Sighing tiredly and letting the smirk fall from his lips, Bucky set the alarm clock down on his bedside table before he padded over to Steve. Sitting down beside Steve, he started to pick at some invisible lint off of the quilt Mrs. Garvey had given them when they moved in and muttered, "I don't want my last night here to have ended with us fighting, Steve."

"How do you want it to end, Buck?" Steve asked, eyeing his friend curiously and frowning when Bucky groaned and dropped his head in his hands. Shifting on his bed so that he was now seated beside his best friend, Steve nudged Bucky's shoulder with his own and said, "You can tell me, Buck. Whatever it is, I'm not gonna laugh or tease you."

"Maybe not, but you may punch me." Bucky said, sighing softly and rubbing his eyes.

"Why on Earth would I do that?" Steve asked, frowning in confusion. When Bucky refused to answer or look at him, Steve tugged on his arm and said, "Hey, Jerk, I asked you what made you think I'd ever punch you. You can't just leave me hanging."

Growling softly, Bucky shifted away from Steve when he kept tugging at Bucky's arm and said, "Because I wanted to spend the rest of my night here with you."

Steve frowned in confusion and said, "What are you talking about? You are here. We are spending the rest of our last night together here."

"Here as in ' _curled up in bed with you_ ,' ya punk, not here as in ' _in the same room as you_.'" Bucky said, scowling at Steve before he looked away.

Steve felt as though the wind had just gotten knocked out of his chest. That was not what he had been expecting Bucky to say. Blinking, he stared at his best friend, who was now blushing and looking anywhere but at Steve, and murmured, "Oh..."

"Yeah, oh." Bucky said sarcastically, rolling his eyes and standing up. Crossing the room to his own bed, he flicked off the light when he walked past the switch and said, "Forget I said anything. It was stupid anyway. I'm going to sleep. Early start and all."

Steve just sat on his bed and stared at Bucky, completely dumbfounded. He didn't pull himself out of the stupor he'd fallen into until Bucky had crawled into his own bed and yanked the quilt up around his shoulders. Scrambling off of his bed, Steve nearly faceplanted onto the floor but managed to catch himself before he could do any damage. Straightening up, he quickly crossed the room and pulled Bucky's blanket back. When his best friend gave him a startled, deer-in-the-headlights look, Steve swallowed nervously and slid into the bed next to him. Briefly propping himself up with his elbow, Steve tried, and mostly failed, to scowl at Bucky as he said, "I won't forget it. Not when that's what I want too."

Bucky stared at him in shock before a shy smile overtook his expression. Wrapping an arm around Steve's waist, he pulled him close and ducked his head to rest his forehead against Steve's as he said, "You're a damn punk."

"Jerk." Steve said, rolling his eyes and shoving at Bucky's shoulder. After a beat, he added, under his breath, "You're damn lucky I love you."

Bucky frowned slightly, unsure if he'd heard what he thought he'd heard, but allowed Steve push him on to his back. He watched with a small smile as Steve carefully maneuvered himself so that he was lying on top of Bucky with his head pillowed against Bucky's chest. Once he was sure that Steve was settled in, Bucky reached up and ran his fingers through Steve's hair. Taking a chance that he had heard what he thought he'd heard, Bucky smiled shyly and whispered, "I know I am."

Looking up at him, Steve searched his friend's face for any sign that he might be lying or poking fun. After failing to find any hint of deception in Bucky's shy but honest smile, Steve smiled back shyly before leaning up to press a gentle, chaste, kiss against Bucky's lips. He felt rather than heard his friend groan when he pulled back. Cocking an eyebrow at Bucky's pout, he said, "You have to get up early. No funny business."

"You can't kiss a guy like that and then expect him to not want another, Rogers." Bucky pouted, wrapping his free arm around Steve's waist.

Rolling his eyes with a playful smirk, Steve reached up to cup Bucky's jaw and pull him down for another kiss. Clutching Bucky's undershirt, Steve let his eyes slip shut as Bucky kissed him back. It wasn't like anything he'd expected kissing Bucky to be like. It was slow and easy; no hurry despite the circumstances. Or maybe it was because of the circumstances. Either way, the kiss was more like a gentle caress that left him shivering with need than the bruising slamming of lips that he had, not exactly anticipated or expected but, imagined it would be like. After a few minutes, Steve felt his lungs start to strain so he pulled back and rested his cheek against Bucky's chest. Shutting his eyes, he focused on Bucky's heartbeat, which was faster than the last time he'd heard it, to calm himself down.

Chuckling roughly, Bucky carded his fingers through Steve's hair and said, "Jesus, Stevie."

"Gives ya something to look forward to once you get home." Steve murmured, letting his eyes slip shut and enjoying the sound of Bucky's heartbeat; which was still so much steadier and stronger than his own even when it as racing.

Bucky hummed softly and let his eyes slip shut again. Sighing contentedly, he murmured, "I need you to stay safe for me. I can't lose any more people that I love, alright?"

"I'll do my best, Buck. Now get some sleep. You ship out early." Steve murmured, nuzzling Bucky's chest and letting himself be calmed and eventually lulled to sleep by the sound of Bucky's heartbeat. Smiling, Steve internally mused, ' _I'll never get tired of listening to his heartbeat..._ '

 ~~~

After changing into more comfortable clothes than his dress uniform, Steve groaned softly and he flopped down face first onto his bed. He and the rest of his new team had rented rooms above the bar they'd decided to celebrate their freedom at. Burying his face in the scratchy pillow, he wondered, not for the first time, what the hell was wrong with him. He knew that he loved Bucky more than life itself and yet he could feel himself starting to fall for Peggy as well. Rolling over to stare at the ceiling, he chewed on his lip and wondered what would happen when the war was over. Would Bucky encourage him to take Peggy dancing and try to live a normal life while Bucky went back to chasing skirts? Would they go back to their apartment and be "confirmed bachelors" for the duration of their lives? Could they even carve out a life for themselves that way with the way society seemed so against anyone even remotely outside of the "norm" of loving a woman?

Sighing, he rubbed his eyes and decided that he'd deal with everything as it came. There was nothing he could do right now and worrying would only make things worse. Frowning and looking over at the door when he heard a hesitant knock, he sat up and called, "It's open."

Bucky's head peaked around the now open door and, shooting Steve a tired smile, asked, "Can I come in?"

"Of course." Steve said, smiling softly back at the man he loved and watching him slip silently into the room. When Bucky just leaned against the door instead of walking further into the room, he shot the other man a concerned look and asked, "What'd ya need, Buck?"

"What's going on between you and Agent Carter?" Bucky asked, his voice quavering slightly but his face remaining as impassive as he could muster.

Sighing and shaking his head, Steve responded tiredly, "Nothing's happened, Buck."

"That's not the whole story though." Bucky said, his face morphing from blank passiveness into an ugly sneer.

Scowling, Steve said, "It's the only part that's relevant. I still love you just as much as I did before."

"But you're falling for her." Bucky stated. It wasn't a question. He saw firsthand the way they looked at each other downstairs and, no matter what anyone claimed, he wasn't a stupid man.

"Whatever I feel for Peggy isn't the same as what I feel for you." Steve said, refusing to look down at the floor and act ashamed of what he was feeling. Pursing his lips into a tight frown, he took a moment to gather his thoughts before he continued, "Is there some affection and attraction on my part? Yeah. I'm not going to deny that. There's no point in it. Jesus, Buck, she's the first dame who looked at me the way you always have; even back when I was a skinny runt with a list of health problems a mile long that she could've crushed under her boot."

"Do you love her?"

"Not the way I love you." Steve said fervently; with so much conviction that it scared him a little. He had known he loved Bucky something fierce but he hadn't been aware of just how strong the feeling was.

"That's not what I asked!" Bucky spat, scowling and straightening up from where he'd been slumped against the door.

"Yes! Alright, yes. I do love her. In a way. I can see me and her having a life together after the war if you and I decide that it's too dangerous to try to carve out a life together." He admitted, raking a hand through his hair and breaking eye contact with Bucky for the first time since he walked into the room. He wasn't ashamed of his feelings. He just couldn't stand the look of hurt and disgust Bucky was shooting him Sighing heavily and steeling himself against his friend's look, he looked back up at Bucky and said, "Buck, you have to know that I love you too. I wouldn't've fought my way through that goddamn facility if I didn't! You were the only reason I went there!"

"You were supposed to stay in Brooklyn and keep yourself safe not sign up to be a goddamn lab rat then come over here to get fucking shot at or fight your way through a goddamn HYDRA facility to try to save my dumb ass! You were supposed to stay safe! You promised!" Bucky yelled, his voice cracking as he tried to choke back tears and his hands balling into fists at his sides.

"I said I'd do my best and I have! Damn it, Bucky, I couldn't just leave you there! I couldn't lose you too!" Steve shouted.

"You'd have Carter to comfort you so what does it matter if you lost me?" Bucky sneered, his eyes hardening as he leaned back against the door.

Steve felt his chest tighten as if Bucky had physically hit him. Drawing himself to his full height, he swallowed down the lump in his throat and said, as slowly and evenly as he could manage, "Because, James Buchanan Barnes, even when I had **_nothing_** , I **_always_** had you. If I lose you, no matter what or whom you or anyone else thinks I have, **_I will have nothing_.** I need you. That will never not be true."

Bucky stared at Steve for what seemed, to Steve, like a lifetime but was probably less than a minute. Then, without any real warning, Bucky seemed to deflate entirely and crumple in on himself as he slid down the door and on to the floor. Standing quickly, Steve crossed the room in a few short strides and knelt down beside his friend who had his forehead against his knees and was clutching his hair. Bucky took a deep breath and said, "I'm sorry, Stevie. I didn't....I didn't want to fight. That's not why I came here. I just...I just got so jealous, downstairs when....fuck. I'm sorry, Steve."

"Shh, it's ok, Buck. I get it." Steve said gently as he pried Bucky's hands away from his hair and pulled him into a hug. When Bucky gave a doubtful snort into his shoulder as he clung to him, Steve smiled and said, "Hey, there were plenty of times I wanted to tell off the girls you went dancing with or to yell at you for it. Not that you knew how I felt but....Jealousy can make us to shitty things to the people we love."

"I just want you to be happy, Stevie." Bucky admitted quietly, pulling away just enough to look up at Steve.

"You make me happy, Buck." Steve said, smiling softly and cupping Bucky's cheek.

"And so does Agent Carter." Bucky teased, leaning into Steve's hand.

Sighing, Steve said, "Buck-"

Cutting him off, Bucky said, "No, this isn't me being a little shit again. I promise. I just...I want you to be happy when all of this is said and done. And if that means you get married to Carter then....well....I'll be there with bells and whistles because, Steve, you deserve to be happy."

"I want you to be happy too, Buck." Steve said, stroking Bucky's cheek with his thumb.

"Maybe she's got a sister or a cousin." Bucky joked, smiling tiredly and reaching up to cup the back of Steve's hand with his own.

"We can figure all that out later." Steve said, standing and pulling Bucky up. "Right now, I think we should probably get some sleep."

"Together?" Bucky asked, looking up at Steve hopefully.

"Together." Steve said, smiling slightly and pressing a soft kiss to Bucky's cheek.

"I don't think you can sleep all sprawled out on top of me anymore, big guy." Bucky admitted, pulling away from Steve and walking over to the lone chair in the room. Shucking his jacket and over shirt off, he glanced over at Steve with a tired grin as he hung the jacket on the back of the chair and folded the shirt up.

Snorting softly, Steve walked over to the bed and flopped back down. Shifting on to his side, he propped his head up with his hand and watched Bucky bend over to untie his boots before kicking them off. It wasn't the first time he'd changed in front of Steve but it was the first time that Steve allowed himself to openly watch Bucky and admire the long lean lines of his friend's body from a less-than-artistic point of view. When Bucky glanced over and saw him watching, he winked saucily as he shucked his pants off before folding them and setting them on the chair with his shirt. Chuckling softly, Steve watched him cross the room in nothing but his boxer shorts and undershirt with a small smile.

Once he'd locked the door, Bucky strode over to the bed and crawled in beside Steve. They shifted around for a few moments until Bucky was lying on his back and Steve had curled himself around Bucky's side with his head resting on Bucky's chest. Smiling softly, Bucky carded his fingers through Steve's hair and said, "It's gonna take some getting used to."

"What?" Steve asked, shutting his eyes and enjoying the sound of Bucky's heartbeat.

"Being the smaller one between the two of us." Bucky muttered, continuing to rake his fingers through Steve's hair. He smiled when Steve hummed softly in response and nuzzled his chest. After a moment, Bucky rested his hand on the back of Steve's neck and quietly asked, "Did the serum fix...well....everything?"

"My eyes and my spine corrected themselves so my astigmatism and scoliosis are gone. My arrhythmia's gone along with the rest of my heart troubles, so no worry about the damn thing just _stopping_ in the middle of the night anymore-"

"Thank God for that."

"The stomach ulcers are gone as well. I'm no longer anemic which means no more freaking liver juice or raw liver for as long as I live. My respiratory system's as strong as your's now, if not stronger, so no more asthma or fucked up sinuses or colds that could kill me-"

"Again, thank God."

"No more fallen arches either, which isn't as important in the grand scheme of things but it makes life easier. And, as far as I can tell, I'm no longer partially deaf so you won't have to shout as loud at me when I'm zoned out to get my attention."

"Even though I've got mixed feelings about you signing up to be a damn lab rat just to get over here...I'm glad that it worked out and you're not just going to drop dead on me." Bucky muttered, looking back up the ceiling and going back to raking his fingers through Steve's hair.

"You weren't exactly wrong. When you said I had something to prove. You were just wrong about who I was trying to prove myself to. I don't care what anyone else thinks, I just didn't want to be a burden to you anymore, Buck." Steve admitted quietly, running a hand up and down Bucky's side and staring at the door. He'd never actually told Bucky that he felt like a burden on his best friend but it wasn't hard to understand why he'd feel that way. He used to be sick all the time and he knew he'd worried Bucky more than anything.

Bucky's hand stilled and he tightened his grip on Steve's hair momentarily before he let a deep sigh and continued running his fingers through Steve's hair. After a minute of silence, he quietly said, "You were never a burden for me." He fell silent for a moment, wondering if he should tell Steve the next part since they were doing confessions and all. He felt Steve shift slightly to look up at him but he didn't look down.

Closing his eyes, Bucky continued, "I didn't enlist, Steve, I was drafted. When I got my notice, I went down to the Selective Service office and tried to fight it. I tried to explain why I needed to stay with you so I could make sure you wouldn't do something stupid and pick a fight with the wrong person while I was gone and get yourself put in the hospital or the morgue. But the money was more than I'd ever could've made down at the docks or fixing cars and....and I knew I had to go; if only to give you the cash to get the medicine you needed and keep you fed and keep a roof over your head. So I lied and told you I enlisted and pretended that I was happy that I was going to war because I didn't want you to know that I never wanted to leave you in the first place. And yeah, that probably sounds a hell of a lot like you being a burden but you weren't. I never saw it like that and I never will."

"How did...do you see it?" Steve asked, frowning and shifting to lay his head back over Bucky's heart when Bucky didn't look down at him. Shutting his eyes, he listened to the steady _tha-thump tha-thump_ of Bucky's heartbeat as he waited for Bucky to answer. It wasn't like it was a very hard question but Steve knew Bucky'd want the time to figure out how he wanted to word it. Besides, this gave him a chance to fully settle into the fact that Bucky was _here_ and _alive_ and, well maybe not _entirely whole_ but, _mostly whole_. And that's all that mattered. Not the fight they had earlier, not his blossoming feelings for Peggy, not HYDRA. In this moment, the fact that he could still listen to Bucky's heartbeat reassure him that the man that he loves is _alive_ is the most beautiful music he's heard in a long time.

Sighing softly, Bucky pressed a kiss to the top of Steve's head and inhaled. He could pick out the scent of the shampoo that the Army gave them and the smoke from the bar downstairs as well as a light trace of the cologne Steve'd put on before heading to the bar and, underneath all of that, something that, to use the old cliché, was distinctly Steve and brought on thoughts of their little apartment in Brooklyn and cold winter nights spent curled up together under a mound of blankets and quilts. Letting his head fall back against the pillow, he smiled slightly and said, "I always saw it as me taking care of the fella I loved with all my heart. Ya know, making sure that the punk I wanted to be with 'til the end of the line didn't make it there before me."

"You are such a sap." Steve said, scoffing lightly and hiding his blush in Bucky's shirt.

"And you're still a little shit, no matter how much that body of your's has changed." Bucky murmured.

"I love you, Buck. I'll never stop loving you, no matter what happens." Steve murmured, resting his chin on Bucky's chest and looking up at him.

"I love you too, Stevie." Bucky said, smiling crookedly and running his fingers through Steve's hair. "We're in this together, 'til the end of the line, remember?"

"'Til the end of the line." Steve murmured, shifting so he could go back to listening to Bucky's heart and allowed the steady cadence to lull him to sleep.

 ~~~

Steve stared through the one-way mirror into the hospital-slash-observation room. It was an odd feeling; actually having the opportunity to see Bucky again after spending so long chasing him across Europe with Sam and, at a few points, Natasha. Rubbing a hand over his mouth, he took in the gaunt man lying in the hospital bed on the other side of the glass. He looked almost nothing like the Bucky he remembered. He held himself differently and could actually sit still for extended periods of time. Not to mention that he still had the curtain of hair that he'd had back in DC. Sitting down in the chair that Hill had left for him earlier, he watched Bucky stare at the wall and wondered if they'd ever get back to some semblance of how they were before the war.

Bucky glanced up at the door when it opened; a small part of him that hadn't been damaged by HYDRA's brainwashing hoping that Steve would be the one walking through the door. He frowned minutely in disappointment when the man that had helped Steve bring him in walked in instead. He should have known that Steve wouldn't want to see him, not after what he'd been turned into. Turning his attention back to the blank wall in front of him, he resolutely ignored the other man as he shut the door behind himself and crossed the room. He didn't even flinch when the man flopped down in the seat next to the bed and said, "I'm still wondering why the hell you let us bring you in."

Snorting softly, Bucky leaned his head back against the pillows and looked over at the man. Raising an eyebrow, he asked, his voice rough from disuse, "What makes you think I let you bring me in?"

"Holy shit, he speaks." The man said, smirking slightly when Bucky merely rolled his eyes and looked back at the ceiling. "Allow me some room to tease, man, I'm the first one you've said more than two words to. And I say that you let us because we spent, what a year and a half chasing you across the majority of the world only to find out that we'd missed you by at least three months whenever we got to where we'd last heard you were."

"I had a mission to complete." Bucky muttered, shutting his eyes.

"A HYDRA mission or one of your own?" The man asked with feigned indifference. It almost made Bucky smile at how hard he was trying to remain cool.

Keeping his eyes closed, Bucky said, "The longer I spent out of cryo...the more I remembered. After realizing what happened to me....what they turned me into....I made it my mission to take out the last of the HYDRA bases that I knew of or that I could find through the...training they'd given me." Opening his eyes, he turned to look at Steve's friend and said, "They tried to get me to kill the man that I..." Bucky bit back the tears threatening to fall and forced himself not to say _that I love_. This man probably didn't know about his and Steve's past. Hell, he wasn't even sure it was safe to be out in any form in this day and age. Clearing his throat, he played his pause off as a sore throat and took a sip of water from the cup the man offered before he continued, "That I vowed to protect with everything I had, including my own life, and I did almost kill him."

"You pulled him out of the Potomac and called his location in."

"After I put how many bullets into his chest? Broke how many of his bones? Destroyed how much of DC in the process of trying to kill him? Killed how many innocents?"

The man just looked at him for a moment before he said, "From what I hear, brainwashing is a little hard to break without some cognitive recalibration."

"I'm too hardheaded for that type of recalibration to work. Just ask Steve." Bucky said, tearing his eyes away from the man and looking up at the ceiling. Another agent, Barton, had already come in and tried to talk to him last week. Explained that he knew, at least a little bit, what it was like to have your own mind stolen from you. _Maybe I'll actually talk to him next time_.

"I think Steve wants to come see you-"

"I'm too dangerous right now. It's been a year and a half of me working through shit on my own and I'm better than before but....There could be triggers. There's...nightmares. I don't want to hurt him. Not any more than I already have."

There was a long pause before he asked, "Why are you talking so freely with me? Last I checked, the nurse told me you would just glare at any of the shrinks that tried to talk to you."

Bucky shut his eyes and felt the corner of his mouth quirk up into a semblance of a smile as he said, "Steve trusts you. I may not be able to fully trust my own brain right now but I know, without a doubt, that I can trust Steve's. He wouldn't've taken you along to find me if he didn't trust you."

The man merely nodded and said, "He trusts you too. Whether you trust yourself or not."

"Steve's always been a little stupid when it comes to me." Bucky said, shutting his eyes and refusing to flinch when there was a knock from the other side of the mirror that took up most of the one wall. The man sighed softly and stood up but, before he could turn to leave, Bucky asked, "Can you turn up the sound on the heart monitor?"

Sam frowned slightly at the odd request but did as he was asked before turning around and walking out of the room. After making sure the door was secured and locked, he headed over to the observation room. Steve was sitting in the chair that Hill had left for him and Natasha was standing off to one side, leaning against the wall. He frowned a little when he noticed the tear tracks on Steve's face and shot Natasha a questioning look.

She shrugged a shoulder and said, "He wouldn't tell me."

"He stopped himself from saying something. When he cleared his throat and acted like it was sore." Steve murmured, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand. He hadn't meant to start crying but after so long mourning the loss of the man he loved, it was still a little shocking that the only thing separating them now as a sheet of glass.

"Yeah, I noticed that but didn't want to push. I'm surprised he even talked to me." Sam said, leaning against the wall on the other side of Steve.

"Any idea what he stopped himself from saying?" Natasha asked, looking at Steve.

"That he loved me." Steve said, smiling sadly as he continued to watch Bucky's heart monitor.

Sam let out a low whistle and said, "The Smithsonian exhibit never said anything about that."

"No one knew. Not for sure anyway. Maybe a couple of our neighbors guessed and it's possible that Peggy figured it out but...when Buck fell off that train...."

"Everything went to shit and nothing mattered except for destroying HYDRA." Sam said, sharing a knowing look with Natasha.

"And look at how awesome of a job I did at that." Steve said, snorting softly and leaning back in his chair.

"I found out that Stark tried to contact us. To warn us about all of this. But by the time he got around to looking at SHIELD's files after the Extremis thing and figured it out, everything was going to shit and he couldn't get a hold of us. I swear, when I showed up at the tower to grab some clothes, I thought he was going to hug me and start crying." Natasha said, raising an eyebrow.

Chuckling softly, Steve shook his head and said, "Where was Clint during all of this?"

Natasha rolled her eyes and said, "On leave from his last assignment. Asshat was holed up in a safe house in Montana recuperating by playing a fuckton of violent video games without his hearing aids in. Even if we tried to call him, he never would've heard the phone."

"Well, at least he's here now." Steve said, looking back in on Bucky. The heart monitor beeped steadily in time with Bucky's heart. After a moment, he quietly admitted, "I never thought I'd get another chance to hear Bucky's heartbeat."

"Treasure it, Cap. Not many of us get second chances with those we love." Sam said, not unkindly, before clapping him on the shoulder and heading out of the observation room.

Natasha sighed softly and said, "I'll leave you to your vigil. I still think you should just sit in there with him instead of in here."

"He doesn't trust himself with me just yet. I'll give him the time he needs." Steve said, smiling slightly at her. Natasha merely nodded and followed Sam out, closing the door behind her. Steve sighed softly and looked back at Bucky; who was now curled up on his side facing the two-way glass. His heartbeat had evened out and it looked like he was asleep.

Steve sighed softly and settled into the seat Maria had provided him. It wasn't the same as having his head pillowed against Bucky's chest to listen to his heart but it still provided some small comfort. In the quietness of the observation room, Steve allowed the unshed tears to follow the tracts made by the few that escaped earlier. It wasn't the heavy, soul-wrenching, gut-churning sobs that he expected. Just an unchecked flow of tears that he didn't have the will to stop. He didn't know if they were because he was just so damn _happy_ that he had Bucky back, in whatever form, or if it was some left over pain that he'd never dealt with properly after Bucky had fallen from the train. Either way, he knew that nothing could ever replace the feeling of unbridled joy he had at the thought that maybe, one day soon, Bucky'd trust himself with seeing him in person. Smiling slightly, he leaned his head back against the head rest of the chair and let his eyes slip shut.

 _I'm never letting him go again..._ Steve thought to himself as the rhythmic beeping of the heart monitor lulled him into the first truly restful sleep he'd gotten since he Bucky had fallen.

 ~~~ 

After showering off the dirt and grime of their last mission, Bucky flopped down on the couch in the small Brooklyn apartment he and Steve shared. It had been a hard road to this point but he figured it was worth it. It had taken him months to even consider letting Steve see him in person and even longer to trust himself enough to go on missions together, let alone share an apartment again. Smiling slightly at the amount of progress he'd made, Bucky ran a hand through his hair and wondered if he should get it cleaned up or try a new look all together. He'd been trying out a few new haircuts since he decided the hobo look wasn't exactly working anymore. This month it was something that Natasha had called a "lazy hawk;" shaved short on the sides of his head with a strip of long hair down the middle of his head, usually left unstyled and pulled back into a ponytail for missions.

Stretching out on the couch, Bucky shut his eyes and listened to Steve move around the bathroom and turn the water on to get his own shower. Sighing contentedly, he let himself drift in and out of consciousness. He wasn't sure how long it was later but he felt the couch dip a little and a leg brush against his own. Cracking an eye open, he watched Steve settle back on his heel and just watch him. Smirking slightly, he asked, "Whatcha doin' punk?"

"I was going to try to lay with you but I didn't know how you'd react." Steve admitted, looking down and picking at the invisible lint on his lounge pants.

"C'mere, punk." Bucky said, reaching out and pulling Steve down to lay on top of him. He grunted softly at the added weight but shifted so that they were comfortable and Steve had his head over his heart.

Sighing softly, Steve nuzzled the soft cotton of Bucky's shirt and curled around him as best he could. Their couch was not made for the two of them to lay comfortably but at this point, he didn't want to get up and move to either of their bedrooms. Tilting his head, he focused on listening to Bucky's heartbeat as Bucky ran his fingers through his hair. When he realized how reminiscent this was of the first time he'd truly listened to Bucky's heart, it felt like someone had slammed Mjolnir into his gut and knocked the wind out of him. Squeezing his eyes shut, Steve tried to ride the waves of emotions that were crashing over him without actually crying.

Bucky frowned when Steve's entire body tensed up and said, "Hey, Stevie, what's wrong?" He frowned in confusion when Steve merely shook his head and refused to answer. Staring down at Steve, he rubbed the back of his neck and asked, "Is it my heartbeat?"

"Partially." Steve said softly, his voice cracking and a few tears slipping down his cheeks. _God, I thought I got this out when he was in the hospital._ Steve thought, burying his face in Bucky's shirt.

"Shh, hey, it's ok, Stevie. It's ok. I'm here and I'm not going to leave you again, alright?"

"You never left me, I left you. I didn't go back and look for you. I should've known that...I should've known." Steve murmured, clutching Bucky's shirt.

"Hey, you couldn't've known. I didn't even know that I could've survived that fall. I don't blame you so please don't blame yourself." Bucky said, pulling Steve up a little so his face was buried in Bucky's shoulder and not his chest; if only to be a little more comfortable for the both of them while Steve had his minor melt down. Cradling the back of Steve's head, he turned and pressed a kiss to Steve's temple. Shutting his eyes, he murmured against Steve's skin, "I still love you so much, Stevie. I never stopped. Please, believe me when I say we're good. We're so good now."

Steve let out a strangled sob and buried his face further into Bucky's neck. He clutched at Bucky's sides and said, "I just...I never thought I'd get to hear your heartbeat again, Buck. I thought I'd lost you. And even when you came back, it took us so long to get here that...that I didn't know if...if you still wanted me. Or if you still felt like that."

"God, Stevie, the only reason why it's taken me this long is because _I didn't want to hurt you_. I needed to make sure I was, for the most part, not as fucked up in the head as I was when you first brought me in. I never, never stopped loving you. Even when I didn't know who the fuck I was, I knew you and I knew, deep down under all the programming and brainwashing, that I was supposed to protect you."

"I never stopped loving you either, Buck." Steve said, calming down slightly and sniffling. He really did not want to wipe his nose on Bucky's shirt but he also didn't want to move to go get tissues. He felt Bucky's hand wipe at the tear tracts, trying to brush them away. Chuckling softly, Steve shifted them so they were lying on their sides and Steve had his back pressed against the back of the couch and was pulling Bucky closer to him.

Bucky kept running his fingers through Steve's hair and, occasionally, rubbing his shoulder, arm, and side. After a few minutes of silence and after he'd made sure that Steve was calmed down, he pressed a kiss to Steve's cheek and murmured, "Stark told me guys like us can get married now. In a few states at least."

"Buck-"

"It's just a thought. We don't have to. I just....I always figured if I was gonna get married to anyone, it'd be you." Bucky murmured into Steve's hair.

Steve pulled back far enough to look at Bucky and, once he saw that Bucky was being completely serious, grinned that breathtakingly bright smile that made Bucky's breath catch in his chest. Giving Bucky a quick and chaste kiss, Steve chuckled softly and said, "Not exactly how I figured I'd get proposed to but, if it means I get to spend the rest of our lives together, I'll take it."


End file.
